10 Topics of Conversation for Girls....Other Than Looks

I sometimes find myself at a loss for what to talk about with my two nieces, ages 9 and 11, since I haven’t yet experienced that age with my own children.

For those of you who spend time with young girls (and these are certainly applicable to boys too!), here are 10 topics of conversation to show them what’s inside matters most, and possibly inspire them at the same time:

1.     PROFESSIONS

To Ask: Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up? What do you think would be the most interesting profession?

To Share: Talk about what you wanted to be as a child, what you do now, and if applicable, what you dream of doing in the future.

2.     BOOKS

To Ask: Do you like books? What’s your favorite?

To Share: Tell them about a book that moved you the most when you were their age. Talk about a book you’ve read recently and any lessons you learned from it. For example, I just finished Wonder by R.J. Palacio and loved the good rule of life - Be a Little Kinder than Is Necessary (originally from J.M. Barrie's, The Little White Bird).

3.     FRIENDS

To Ask: Do you have a best friend? How did you meet? What makes him/her special?

To Share: Here’s a great opportunity to talk about why friendships are important and how good friends have impacted your life. You can also talk about “mean kids” and "nice kids." My mom taught me a good rule when I was very young -- to feel sorry for the "mean kids" because if they have to make someone else feel like crap to feel good about themselves, they've got a lot of issues. That it had nothing to do with who I was, and everything to do with who they were. So instead of getting angry or frustrated, I just wondered what was going on in their brains that made them tick the way they did.

4.     SCHOOL

To Ask: What’s your favorite part of the day at school? Your favorite teacher? If you had to grade your school 1 to 10, 10 being the best, what grade would you give it? What would you change?

To Share: Tell them about your favorite teacher and what you liked most about him or her. Tell them about your favorite classes and what made them special.

5.     TRAVEL

To Ask: If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would it be? Where have you already been recently and what was your favorite experience?

To Share: Talk about your favorite places and the wonders you've seen.  

6.    MUSIC

To Ask: What type of music do you like to listen to? What instrument would you want to play if you could magically play it like a master?

To Share: Play your favorite music for them. Talk about what instrument you learned to play as a child, or share a memory of music from your past.

7.     MAGIC

To Ask: Do you believe in magic? What would you change if you had a magic wand and could fix anything?

To Share: What would YOU change if you had a magic wand and could fix anything?

8.     FREE TIME

To Ask: What would do you like to do most in your free time? 

To Share: Tell them what kinds of things you did when you were younger and how the world has or hasn't changed in that respect. Talk about what you like to do in your free time now. 

9.     SPORTS/ACTIVITIES

To Ask: What sports or activities are you involved in these days? Which is your favorite? 

To Share: This is a great chance to bring up the importance of being a team player. And why practice makes you better - that it takes 10,000 hours to master any activity (from Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Outliers: The Story of Success).

10. FAVORITE MEMORIES

To Ask: What are some of your favorite memories?

To Share: Talk about some of your favorite memories from childhood. Share your happiest moments.

You Are Not Alone - Really

As we passed National Infertility Awareness Week, the fact that there's a week dedicated to infertility reminded me that we've come a long way. Resolve's theme this year was, You Are Not Alone. I believe that statement is more true than ever for the fertility challenged, and here's why:

Infertility is Being Talked About 

Infertility articles are being written every day. New books are out to share what it's like for men dealing with infertility, or guides couples can read together as they tackle infertility hand-in-hand. Even blockbuster movies are now touching on infertility. 

Celebrities who talk about their infertility are no longer being shunned for their revelations as they were in the past. They are being thanked by those inside the infertility community and supported by those outside the community. 

There is a better understanding that infertility is a disease, not a flaw - and more sympathy out there as a result. And when infertility is met with sympathy, instead of shame, more people will talk about it. The cycle is circular. The more sympathy and understanding, the more people will open up. The more people open up, the more sympathy and understanding will come. 

Encouragement from Support Groups 

Resolve and other organizations have peer-led and professionally-led support groups throughout the country to help those dealing with infertility. When you're trying to have a child, and can't get pregnant, it feels like nobody else could possibly understand the longing and the heartache you experience each month. From Resolve's website: Support groups help you feel less isolated, empower you with knowledge and validate your emotional response to the life crisis of infertility. I couldn't word it any better.

Social Media Helps

Even those who feel they can't open up to their family or friends about infertility, or don't feel comfortable attending support groups, can interact with other infertility warriors anonymously through social media. Infertility bloggers are keeping everyone in the know. When to see a specialist and what to ask. What to expect from a cost perspective. The ins and outs of fertility treatments and the choices out that are out there. 

Anyone experiencing infertility can create a Twitter account and find others who are experiencing the same roller coaster ride, with its ups and downs and shaky tracks that rattle you to the bone. There is someone out there to talk to and to listen to and to commiserate or celebrate with.

New Services are Available

Though in vitro fertilization is the treatment most often talked about when it comes to infertility, only 5% turn to IVF. There are new services like Conceivable that address the entire community of infertility patients. Conceivable is a personalized program on your iPhone that helps identify and address underlying health factors that may prevent conception or carrying a baby to term. As programs like Conceivable help more and more women successfully conceive, I envision the community of infertility warriors banding together even more.

So click your heels three times and say the words, "You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone." Because it is true.

Parent Tips: Allowance

If you're just starting out with allowances, or planning to in the future, I highly recommend the book Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats: Love and Logic Solutions to Teaching Kids About Money by Jim Fay and Kristan Leatherman. They also have a simple, step-by-step blog post on giving an allowance. 

Many of the experts, including the Love and Logic authors, recommend separating allowance from household chores. Chores are something everyone in the family does to contribute. They are part of being needed and valued by the family. They teach responsibility. They are not optional. If you tie them to an allowance, a child can decide they don't want to do their chores with the consequence of just skipping their allowance. Probably not an issue at age five, but I can certainly see it being an issue at age 15.

At age five, Sydney is the only one old enough for allowance in our household, but it’s made a world of difference in many ways.  She’s already learning how to spend wisely (and not so wisely) and the value of saving. 

One of the biggest benefits has been in our shopping experiences. Sydney was infamous for having meltdowns at stores. She’d spot something she wanted and the dam would break. Through tears, she’d be screaming, “It’s SO IMPORTANT! I can’t live without it! PLEASE MOMMY! I need it!” and that could go on for the duration of our shopping experience, with nearly every eye on us (and consoling smiles from the parents who’ve “been there”).

Once we implemented a weekly allowance – we pay it every Sunday – the nightmare shopping trips were (mostly) over. She must bring her money with her for any shopping trip. She can purchase whatever she wants with her money. I only ask that she wait until we’ve traversed the entire store before she makes a decision, and in several cases what she held onto for dear life at the beginning of the store has been tossed for something else she can’t live without by the time we're checking out. 

Sydney now understands that everything she sees has a price and that sometimes she can't afford it (that's why there's a "mostly" in the paragraph above - we've still had a few meltdowns when she's out of money or when something is out of her budget). I can see the wheels turning as she decides between two items and compares their cost and value.

It’s also made her a bigger helper around the house – she’s always looking for ways to earn more money. Being an American Girl Doll lover, she's started to ask, “How can I earn $100 Mommy?”

Hmmm…

Lessons Learned: Parenting after Years of Infertility

Photo by Melissa Glynn Photography

Photo by Melissa Glynn Photography

I haven't thought much about how our parenting was impacted by the years we spent trying to conceive, but looking back now, I realize there was a dramatic effect.

We ached for a child. We went through test after test, and treatment after treatment. I was finally pregnant with our first in vitro cycle, and then I wasn't. After our second in vitro, we were blessed with this beautiful baby girl in our arms. After more than four years of trying.

And so we lavished her with our affection and attention. 

And I mean lavished.

The sun revolved around Sydney Addison Miller. And so did our family.

Sydney never spent a moment by herself unless she was sleeping. If she fell asleep for a nap in the car, one of us would stay with her, no matter where we were or what we were doing. Even on Christmas Day. Chris literally ate Christmas lunch on a china plate, in the car, while Sydney snored on.

Speaking of the car, when Chris was driving, I rode in the backseat with her to keep her company. Always. I think back now at just how crazy that sounds.

As a baby, I would sing her to sleep nearly every night, slow dancing with her in the dining room where there was the least amount of light. When she climbed out of her crib at 18 months and moved to a "big girl bed," one of us would lie down with her for an hour until she fell asleep. 

We constantly entertained her, read to her, taught her and played with her.

The first time I remember Sydney actually playing on her own was at exactly two years old, three months before her little sister was due. She spent an hour lining up her collection of chapsticks. I remember being amazed just watching this feat. Not the balancing of the fruity sticks across the couch, but that she didn't require any attention for a full 60 minutes.

We had date night once a week, and I would feel so guilty as we walked out the door while Sydney screamed and cried loudly in the background to make sure we understood the depths of her disappointment and despair at our abandonment.

Now, I will caveat all of the above with the fact that Sydney was a fussy baby (at least in the opinion of this mom, who admittedly had very little experience with babies). Which is the reason we spent so much time with her. She cried often, and once she got going, it was hard to get her to stop (and still is today, at age six). She cried nearly every minute in the car unless we were singing Old McDonald Had a Farm. She cried at bedtime most of all. And cry-it-out, which I tried to brave at the four-month-mark when Sydney was still awake at 10pm, did not work for her. It just made her more, and more, and more riled up. To the point where she almost threw up. You know that hormone that gets released when children cry that makes them sleepy? That doesn't happen with Sydney for some reason.

I spent endless hours online researching why she was crying. I took her to the doctor five times as often as there was a fixable problem, like an ear infection. I changed my diet to make sure it wasn't my breastmilk that was making her colicky. 

As Sydney's grown up, she has gotten easier. As a baby, she was upset more times than not. As a two-year-old, we'd have four outbreaks a day. At three, she was down to two outbreaks a day. At four and five, she would have one spell a day or less. And at six years old, we can make it a few days straight without a "crazy" moment.

We do still tiptoe around anything that will trigger a "Sydney Spell." For example, Sydney used to get very upset when anyone held their hands to their lips to tell her to be quiet. And once she got upset, she would stay upset, squeezing her neck and gasping for air. For an hour or more. So instead of shushing her, we created a secret phrase to ask her to be quiet. Spell avoided.

Have other parents gone through these great lengths to keep their babies and kids happy? Maybe. But had we started trying to conceive, gotten pregnant in that first year, and had our little boy or girl without any complications, I think our attitude would have been different. And our attention a little less lavish. As is evidenced by our behavior with Sydney's younger sister Sabrina (3), and brother Luke (2), who received a lot less attention (as often happens with the second and third kid).

I believe they are the better for it. They are much more laid back. They are not as strong willed. They aren't nearly as sensitive. They are comfortable playing on their own. They are capable of entertaining themselves. They are happier more often.

Here is how I describe our three children to a new babysitter: If Sydney gets a shot at the doctor's office, she will still be crying an hour later. When Sabrina gets a shot, she cries for about 45 seconds, until she can pick her lollipop. When Luke gets a shot, sometimes he doesn't even cry out, but if he does, he stops as soon as the nurse says, "All done!"

Were Sydney, Sabrina and Luke simply born with their temperaments, and different actions would not have resulted in different outcomes? I honestly don't know the answer. But in the end, our lesson learned is that while attention is great, too much attention may not be.

Parent Tips: A Trick for Bad Dreams

Someone once taught me a great trick about conquering bad dreams that worked for me growing up, and now works for our young kids.

If they're scared about something BEFORE they fall asleep, then you can help them picture whatever it is as silly or funny. Take sharks, for example. My nephew started having bad dreams about sharks after watching Finding Nemo. Before bed, we talked about turning them into a huggable best friend, or a silly shark in boxer shorts who can't stop dancing. And, like magic, his bad dreams about sharks went away.

If your kids wake up in the night from a bad dream, the same process applies - tell them to imagine tickling that silly shark or playing hopscotch with him as they're drifting back to sleep. 

Apparently, the same process applies to bad thoughts too. If you can't stop thinking about something negative, you need to give your brain a new image to replace it with that makes you happy instead of mad, sad or scared. For example, if you've accidentally closed the door on your child's finger, and you keep going over that terrible moment in your head, any time the thought creeps back in, imagine her happy face after-the-fact instead.

Parenting Authors & Experts Interview: 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know

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Q&A WITH KARI KAMPAKIS

Author: 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know

Question: How did you first get into writing?

Answer: I’ve always enjoyed writing, but 8 years ago, while pregnant with my third child, I quit talking about writing a book and actually started to work on one. I began by writing essays on motherhood, then I spent five years writing three novels, all unpublished. It’s easy to consider all that unpublished work a waste a time, but I don’t see it that way. I needed the practice to hone my writing skills and find a voice that suits me. 

Question: How did your original blog post, 10 Truths Young Girls Should Know, turn into a book?

Answer: I published that post in July 2013 on my blog, and immediately it started getting shared all over Facebook and Pinterest. I knew from the emails I got (from moms, dads, and youth pastors) that the message struck a chord. It was two months after all the excitement calmed down, when everyone had moved on to other stories, that I heard from an editor at Thomas Nelson who expressed interest in expanding the post into a book. They wanted the book to release before Christmas, so the whole process - from me writing the book to them launching it - happened quickly and in a year’s time.

Question: If readers were to take away one key lesson from your book, what do you hope it would be?

Answer: The main thing I want my young readers to know is that God loves them, God sees them, and God has a plan for their life. I want them to know there’s more to life than junior high and high school, and by making good choices now, they set themselves up to thrive long-term. 

Question: For the moms out there like me, with young girls, what is the most surprising thing we should prepare for in the tween/teenage years?

Answer: The most surprising thing I’ve learned is how early the negative influences start.  After talking to parents, school counselors, psychologists, and others who work with adolescents, my eyes have been opened to the hard realities of teen culture today. For our kids to make good choices, we need to prepare them for difficult situations and have some uncomfortable conversations so they don’t enter this world blindly and follow the crowd simply because they’ve never been given alternative options to consider.

Question: Your #1 Lesson is Everything You Need to Find Peace and Happiness is Inside You. How did you teach your girls that truth?

Answer: I try to teach my daughters to trust their instincts. When something feels wrong, there’s a reason. When someone seems untrustworthy, there’s a reason. I’m a big believer in tuning into your conscience and what that inner voice says, because that’s God talking. Even at a young age, kids can understand that when they’re kind to others, it makes them feel good, and when they’re not kind, it creates unrest. The sooner they get a handle on their feelings, and develop some sort of emotional intelligence, the better equipped they’ll be to recognize cues that can help draw them closer to God.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kari Kampakis started her writing career with her first PR job out of college. She began writing fiction novels while pregnant, and played the chicken-and-the egg routine to getting an agent or publisher. Then the door opened when two community newspapers began carrying her column.

In 2013, she re-launched her website and began blogging. Four months later, her first blog post went viral. Titled 10 Truths Young Girls Should Know,  it caught the attention of Thomas Nelson, a major Christian publisher, who expressed interest in creating a book. On November 4, 2014, Thomas Nelson released 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know, written for teen and tween girls.

Ella, Sophie, Marie Claire, and Camille are her pride and joy.

Book: 10 ULTIMATE TRUTHS GIRLS SHOULD KNOW

Facebook: Kari Kampakis, Writer

Twitter: @karikampakis

Instagram: karikampakis

Pinterest: Kari Kampakis

BITLY LINKS to books

·      Amazon: http://amzn.to/1AOH49X

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·      BooksAMillion:  http://bit.ly/1kz1izP

·      Christianbook.com: http://bit.ly/1qLPyrv