Parent Tips: Finding The Bright Spot in Every Age

Sabrina is three. Sabrina is three. Sabrina is three. That was not a typo. It’s the sentence I repeat to myself most days when she’s doing something “very three.” Like fussing about the fact that her smoothie is too small (even when it's larger than her head), or making Luke cry by taking the toy in his hand (again), or throwing a temper tantrum over something crazy like wanting to open a child-proof bottle all by herself. 

Here is one of the biggest lessons I've learned with three children five and under. There are pros and cons at every age.

When they're babies, the crying and their neediness is exhausting and often pushed me over the edge. I've handed off all three of my babies to their dad at times and exclaimed, "Help! I can't take it anymore!" (That's the G version.) Those were the times I appreciated single moms or dads the most - just the thought of having nobody there to save my sanity makes me shudder.

But once I had a toddler in the house too, I realized all the benefits of babydom. They can't throw a tantrum. They can't throw anything at you (at least not with any accuracy). They can't fight with their siblings. They can't tell you they hate you. They're just these beautiful, loving creatures who crave attention and companionship and nourishment...and sometimes cry a lot.

Toddlers gain their independence and can play on their own and can bring you such joy. But then you also have to deal with having to carry them kicking and screaming out of a store, while they're trying to tear all of your hair out, because they wanted to buy a $50 mermaid that you politely informed them they couldn't afford with their weekly allowance.

I don't know what having a teenager is like yet, but I can guarantee you it will be more of the same. The good with the bad. Just like human nature.

Dad Adventures: The Airport

Most of us have a pull toward the sky, like some transcendental connection of what might be or what is. Infants’ tiny heads will turn, tracing a contrail or a jet in their sight. Toddlers point and grunt or say something that vaguely sounds like the word "plane." Children will scream out, “I SEE A PLANE,” point it out, and then ask you all kinds of questions. What kind of plane is that? Where is it going? Where did it come from? Is that the same plane we were on?  

Even long after they stop asking and this world in the sky seems more normal, whatever “normal” really is, children and some adults, me included, will keep looking. I’ve watched my five-year-old tracing a plane across the vast sky until it disappears into the horizon. Afterward she looked at me, recognition of the coolness of the moment passed between us, and we didn’t need to say a word.  

I am always search for eye opening adventures for my kids. The first adventure I ever went on as a father was to the airport. In truth, I started this tradition because I was looking for a way to get my wife that ONE morning a week to sleep in - without torturing myself.  But it’s turned into something much better.  (By the way, as a Dad you get tons of points for giving you wife breaks, be it sleeping in or just a nice, quiet afternoon. Hint, Hint.)

The first time I ever took Sydney to the airport, she was too young to even walk, but even from the car she was in awe. We spent nearly three hours at the airport those first couple of times.  This meant two diaper changes, but it was still worth it. We live in Austin, so although there is not a constant barrage of loud takeoffs and landings, there are planes frequent enough to entertain us. If you have a fussy kid like we do, the takeoffs and landings are ‘big’ enough events to completely distract them. And once they are distracted, they are happy each time you go. 

I’ll never forget the first time I went with each of my children. The first plane took off, they looked and me, and then said “more!”

Here’s the routine: 

1.     Find a place near your airport to watch planes. 

In Austin, there is a family viewing area literally beside the 17 Left 35 Right Runway (see more on runway lingo at the end of this post).  Drive past the airport on 71 and take the first right after the Airport exit, onto Golfcourse Road. 

Austin used to be an air force base, so this area was leftover from those days. But I’d imagine most airports have some place to watch the planes take off and land, even if it’s just an airport hotel parking lot.  Be creative.  It’s seeing the planes you’re after. 

2.     Pack up or pick up food and drinks.

Think picnic, Daddy style. Messy is okay.  Ideally, outside of the car.  But we do have to clean my car twice as much as my wife’s, so it’s not always outside the car.  ;-)  What my kids love the most is being able to get out and wander around. The planes become the event, but the time in between allows for precious bonding.  Ask them questions. How do you think planes fly? Where is that one going? Where would you fly if you could?

3.     Tune into the ATC at http://www.liveatc.net

You can listen to the tower and the planes as they take off and land. I tune into this on the way to the airport and my kids turn there little faces to the sky.  They always find the first plane before I do.  I’ve found that even though they don’t understand everything they hear, this sets the ambiance. My daughter always gets excited when she hears them say “Big Heavy” over ATC, which means one of the big FedEx planes is coming in or taking off. They also have Droid and iPhone App available. 

4.     If you have someone coming to visit, you can also track their flight with http://flightaware.com/

You can actually type in their flight number and track in real time or near real time where it is.  So you’ll see it on the screen and then see it in the air as it approaches. 

I enjoy this because it’s a lot like watching baseball with your kids. It’s about what happens in between the pitches, not just what happens with each pitch.  

Enjoy! If you’re a mom, share this with you husband, your brother or your husband’s brother.  Uncles can do this stuff too.

Shoot me a comment if you have questions or suggestions on where to watch planes from your city.

RUNWAY LINGO:

Runways are numbered based on a compass.  A compass has 360 degrees.  360 is North.  Drop the 0.  36 is a runway facing due North. 18 would be due South. Planes always take off into the wind. So they would choose 36 or 18 based on the current wind. 

But there is one more thing. If there are parallel runways then they are named based on right left and if there are three center. Right, left, and center are based on the direction the plane is facing. So 36 Right is the same runway as 18 Left, it’s just called something different to tell the Aircraft which direction they will takeoff or land in.

In Austin, there are runways 35 and 17. The number tells you the direction. In Austin, where there are two parallel runways, 35 Right means you’re facing almost North and it’s the runway on the right. 

More here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runway

Lessons Learned: Never Make Your Office Door Out of Glass

When we moved into our four-bedroom house, with no kids, we had our pick of the place for our office. It's moved several times in the last ten years. When Sabrina was born, Michelle decided to move it from the back hallway bedroom to the front hallway bedroom. When Luke was born, we needed that fourth bedroom, so we moved the office to the extra living area off the family room. We closed the space off with double glass doors.

That was a ridiculously bad idea. 

Now while we're on the phone with clients or trying to concentrate on a writing project, we have three kids looking into the fishbowl. Or banging on the glass. Or screaming so loud you can hear every word.

We're seriously debating about building a back-house, just so we have a place to work in peace and quiet without having to drive to an office. 

Lessons Learned Recap: Use the most remote room in the house for your office if you have young children. Ideally with a vault door, extra thick insulation and an escape hatch. 

Lessons Learned: Never Use a Light Pole as Home Base

We were having the best morning at the Texas Capital today. We enjoyed a picnic with breakfast tacos and pastries, in absolutely gorgeous spring weather. We found a bird's nest above us and listened as the momma bird fed her tweeting babies (the eggs from our breakfast tacos). We chased the squirrels. Sydney and I laid side by side and soaked in the sun. We read a WWII memorial dedicated to the Texans who served and those who lost their lives fighting for freedom. We looked up at the mini Statue of Liberty and explained to the kids how we were going to New York City soon, where there was the same statue, but as tall as the Capital building. Chris explained to the girls how it greeted millions of immigrants and embodied freedom and hope and opportunity for those seeking a better life in America. We taught Luke how to play Duck, Duck, Goose and laughed hysterically that he didn't get it, and kept walking around the circle patting everyone's head saying either Duck or Goose, but not understanding he needed to run if he said Goose.

It was one of the best mornings of my life.

And then it wasn't.

Did you notice the "were" in the first sentence? Well, that's because it all went terribly wrong in a matter of seconds. We were playing tag, with a light pole as home base. I was IT. We were all running and laughing. Sydney and Luke were trying to hold me so that Daddy could get to the pole safely. Then Luke tripped (on the grass, on his shoe?) and dove head first, hitting the base of the light pole with his chin. 

Chaos ensued. Blood came pouring out of Luke's mouth (he'd bitten his tongue) and from a large wound on his chin. His t-shirt, applicably labeled "Dirt Expert," was soaked dark red.

Sydney was screaming and crying, worried about her little brother. Daddy was screaming for everyone to collect their things so we could take Luke to the emergency room. Luke was screaming from the pain. I was rocking Luke back and forth trying to calm him down. And Sabrina was still hiding from the game we'd been playing.

Here's Luke after three shots (don't get me started on why he needed three!) and three stitches. He screamed and fought every single stitch. But otherwise, he was a trooper like usual.

This was not exactly how I envisioned my perfect Mother's Day Weekend going.

Lessons Learned Recap: Never use a light pole or any other hard object as home base for a game of tag. Or, never play tag with a two-year-old? Or, never let your children out of the house? But if your young one does need stitches, especially on the face, take them to a children's ER where they give them a nose spray that makes them loopy and not care that they're getting stitched up!

5 Inevitables for Moms with Toddlers, Take I

Here are five "inevitables" for moms with toddlers:

1. After a very long, exhausting day/week/month, just when you finally get a moment of peace and quiet, enjoy a bath and get completely comfortable in bed, and think - AHHH, I'M FINALLY GETTING TO BED EARLY - your child will wake up crying, throw up all over you, and require an emergency room visit. You will manage to get about two hours of sleep before morning. Or similarly, the child who never wakes up in the night will startle you out of dreamland at 12:59am screaming and crying...on Mother's Day.
2. Any sick day, snow day, or other random reason that day care or preschool is cancelled last minute will be the absolute worst day possible. Same goes when your nanny calls in sick. Your significant other will be out of town and your calendar will be filled with scheduled meetings or appointments or any other activity that can't be changed. A two-year-old Sydney literally sat on my belly once while I was lying in a chair having my teeth cleaned.
3. You should never, ever, ever wear a pair of white pants or shorts when you have a baby or toddler and expect them to stay clean for more than five minutes. Be prepared for a giant strawberry handprint, spit up, apple juice spilled all over the front so it looks like you've peed your pants... or worse - chocolate sauce finger marks all over your butt.
4. If you enroll your toddler in a class/camp she's been begging for, she will happily attend the first class/day and then whine and complain about going to that class/camp for the rest of the semester. You'll be scratching your head wondering why you put yourself through the hassle while also wasting your money.
5. If you must buy a gift in advance, expect that by the time that holiday rolls around, they'll be into something totally new. I just ordered a custom Frozen Elsa costume on Etsy for Sydney's birthday party at the end of May. There's little chance she'll still want to be Elsa by May 30th, but there was also no way to make sure I had the outfit she wanted without taking the risk. Motherhood: So often you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Don't Forget to Look Up

Michelle and I were at dinner the other night. Sitting at a table next to us was a ~10-year-old girl and her father, waiting for their food. They were not talking and laughing, and clearly not taking advantage of this moment together. What was crazy to me was that it wasn't the young girl playing a computer game on her iTouch or Nintendo. It was her father, playing a game on his phone. 

I know I'm guilty of this getting distracted sometimes too, when there's a call I have to take or an email I have to respond to when I'm out with my family. But this struck a chord. Here's a chance for a father and daughter to have a "date night" and spend quality time together. And they didn't say one word to each other. The girl looked around and actually sighed. The father finally put away his phone when the food came, but the conversation didn't start then either.

Someone on my Facebook page shared the Look Up video yesterday, about the perils of technology to our everyday communication and connection (there's that social media stuff again!), which spurred me to write this post. I don’t personally agree with his rant on social media, but I do agree we’re all looking down at our tech gadgets too often these days, adults and kids alike. There are great things about technology. Like swimming laps and jamming to music with the new waterproof iPod Shuffle the kids got me for my birthday last month. And then there are not so great things about technology. I hope to help my kids understand how to use it properly... 

And most of all, I hope to take advantage of every precious moment with my kids. 

A Mother's Day Letter To My Mom, Now That I Am One

Dear Mom -

This Mother's Day, I wanted to thank you for all of the things I wasn't capable of TRULY appreciating until I became a mom. So thank you , Mom, for:

1. Giving Birth to Me: For carrying me around in your belly for 9 months, eating carefully to help me grow, and then giving birth to me naturally because you believed that was the safest way to bring me into the world, pain be damned. And then caring for me, with kindness, every day and night until I left for college.
2. Your Extraordinary Patience: When I think back now, I can remember only a handful of times either of you raised your voices or got fed up with us, which is quite astonishing, given the daily trials and tribulations of two girls. I still don't understand how you did that. I'm hoping to learn soon, before my children can remember...
3. Tolerating All My Phases: From a crying baby to a cranky teenager, you put up with all the annoying parts of childhood with grace. I felt like you'd never give up on me, no matter what.
4. Being a Great Listener: When I talk, you listen intently. You're careful how to respond so as not to hurt my feelings, even when I might deserve harsh criticism. Sure, you like to give me advice when I don't ask for it too - but hey, that's what moms are for, right?
5. Believing in Me: I never, ever, felt like there was anything I couldn't do. You instilled such confidence in me that I was never scared to try something new. I grew up feeling smart, powerful, and ready to conquer whatever challenges life brought my way.
6. Being My #1 Fan: You were there for every cheerleading performance, ever soccer and softball game, every science fair and school play. When I stunk, you didn't say so. When I was pretty good, you made me feel like I was awesome.
7. Having My Back: I always felt you were on my side, no matter what battle I was fighting, from the 5th grade "I Hate Michelle Club" my best friend created, to the high school soccer coaches who cut me from the roster with no explanation. You stepped in when you needed to, but if I asked, you also respected me enough to stay out of it, even when all the other parents said you shouldn't. 
8. Letting Me Know You Are ALWAYS There: All my life, from zero to forty, I've known you are there for me. I can call you before the crack of dawn or wake you in the middle of the night and you will be there to listen, to comfort, to help in any way you can. Even to this day, if I have an emergency, I know that you are willing to fly from Florida to Texas as soon as you can pack and get to the airport. You are my rock.
9. Being Dr. Howell: Okay, I'll admit this one can drive me crazy sometimes, but it's nice to know if I have any medical question, you will track down the answer. Or fifty answers.
10. Teaching Me Helpful Life Lessons: You taught me that life isn't always fair. You taught me to feel sorry for the bullies and mean girls - that there was something wrong with them, not me. You taught me to work hard to get what I want. You taught me to be brave, even when it sucks to be brave. You taught me kindness. You taught me how to be a good friend. You taught me that anything is possible, even magic and miracles.

I love you, Mom. Thank you for being my miracle.

Love, Michelle

A Dad's Perspective: Too Much Attention

If you're a first-time parent, let me offer a suggestion, which I will pass off as wisdom. 

We went through A LOT to have our first child. 4+ years of infertility treatments, and when she finally arrived, we lavished her with all of our attention. We knew so little. When she cried, we assumed she was sick or hurt. When she wanted something, we had a hard time saying no. And when she wanted our attention, we gave it to her. Which was pretty much, all the time.

Now, while I am not suggesting you ignore your child, you might want to ignore your child. Sydney was the center of our universe. And that's just how she acts five years later. "Acts" might not be a bit too strong, but I would at least say we are still struggling to overcome an early precedent we set. She doesn’t YET understand that, sometimes, you can't everything the way you want it.  

And while it is NOT my mission to make her feel this way, she needs to see that if it doesn’t work out the way you want, that’s not always so bad. Things change, you can change them.  I want her to see this as the opportunity versus just as something that is “the most terrible thing ever.” Yes, that is one of her favorite quotes.  

From the beginning, Sydney was strong willed, emotional, needed a lot of attention, and wanted to negotiate everything. If I Googled the definition of high maintenance, I swear her picture would be there. Our other two children, which I won't say we completely "ignored," but didn't get nearly the attention of our first, are much more easy going, can play on their own for hours and are nearly always low maintenance. 

My wife will argue, to no end, that Sydney was born with her personality, and it was not our nurturing that did it. I won’t say she is wrong, because I do see both as an influence (and because, smartly, I don't often point out when she is wrong). But had we realized that our child was going to have to cope in the real world some day, not "Sydney's World," and helped her begin life more balanced, I’m convinced she would be less high maintenance.

On the plus side, all that attention did give her an extended vocabulary...

So my advice is to give your kids attention, teach them everything you can, but try to find a balance so that they don't think they are at the center of the universe. This is easier when you have more than one child and a lot less time for them all! For those of you with one kid, maybe take turns in your head? It’s mommy’s turn this time, daddy's turn next time, and then your kids' turn(s).

Lessons Learned Recap: Too much attention is not a good thing.

Infertility Authors & Experts Interview: Barbara Blitzer, Author of The Infertility Workbook

Q&A with Barbara Blitzer

Question: What inspired you to write the infertility workbook?

Answer: I was inspired to write the book after years of working with people struggling with fertility issues. I observed that instruction in specific mind-body, stress reduction skills were empowering and helpful. Those who understood the challenges of fertility issues went through the process more easily, had better relationships, and could make decisions more effectively. I wrote the book to share the techniques and insights that have been effective with countless clients and to make them available to a wider audience. 

Question: What types of exercises and worksheets are in the book? Are some of them geared to have couples to do together? 

Answer: This is an inclusive book. It addresses conceptual, emotional, and practical issues related to fertility. For each topic there is an informational section, a set of exercises that help the reader explore her personal experience and a Take Charge section with instruction in mind-body practices that relate to the specific topic discussed. Topics include the mind-body connection, understanding and reducing worry, coping with the emotional roller coaster of hope and disappointment, and working with the body. There are also chapters involving more practical issues such as choosing a fertility practice, understanding the fertility workup and some common diagnoses, and making decisions about treatment options. There is an entire chapter on working with relationships with discussions of how infertility impacts couples and specific instruction in communication techniques and ways of strengthening your bond. This chapter lends itself especially well to couples but all of the chapters can be shared by couples. When I wrote this book I wanted to offer as many techniques as possible so have included work with thoughts, imagery, meridian tapping, meditation, cognitive therapy, breathing, journaling and more.  Not every chapter or technique is for every person but there is a lot to choose from and something for everyone. It goes beyond basic stress reduction because it relates all techniques to specific fertility issues and also helps people understand and express their feelings. 

Question: Therapy is your specialty.  In what ways can therapy help couples that are dealing with infertility?

Answer: Infertility is a huge emotional challenge for couples. It can create depression, and anxiety. It you are dealing with infertility it can leave you feeling isolated from friends and families who don’t share your experience or who don’t seem to understand how to say and do the right thing.  Infertility can be very lonely and very stressful. Having someone to talk to who listens can be helpful all by itself because it breaks down some of the isolation and allows a time and space to explore feelings, thoughts and options. Therapy helps people develop coping strategies, good communication and realistically optimistic ways of thinking. Mind-body technique integrated with the therapy, can give couples a sense of control, a way to reduce stress and pain, and a path to greater peace and deeper connection with themselves and with each other.

Question: There are several recent news articles linking stress with infertility issues. What are your thoughts?

Answer: I’m a long standing believe in the power of the mind to affect the body and vice versa which is really what the mind-body connection means, but, having said that I would never suggest to anyone that they are causing their infertility. People get pregnant under very stressful conditions all around the world. Also, people have fertility issues for different reasons. Not everyone is the same so what may be helpful in one instance may be less so in another. The truth is that we don’t have all of the answers yet but we have to act upon what we do know as well as we can. I like to go back to basics on this issue. We know that infertility is stressful and also that there have been several studies indicating a correlation between stress reduction and improved outcomes. If you are going through infertility, you are most likely investing a lot of money, time, and energy. If reducing stress has any chance of increasing your chances of success, it seems like something to try. The only side effect is giving you skills that will help you feel more peaceful and in charge.

Question: You’ve recently added a new Infertility Workbook coaching program. Sounds awesome - please tell us more about it!

Answer: The Infertility Workbook includes lots and lots of exercises to help people explore their own personal fertility issues and to learn techniques. It is designed to offer resources that people can use on their own. The process, however, can open the door to emotions, questions, or the need for support. On their own, people can get stuck. They may not know how to apply or practice the skills. They may want some encouragement or instruction as well as someone to listen and support them as they go through the book. They may want to deepen and improve their experience. That is where the coaching program comes in. I am here to help people as they go through the book. If I am coaching you and you are reading the chapter on relationships, for example, we can talk about your relationship specifically and I will help you. If you are trying to breath, or tap, or do a meditation, I can help you move through any obstacles and make your experience more successful. We can focus on any issues you might have or we can work through the chapters of the book together with you, your life,  your concerns as the focus. I am working by phone, skype, as well as in the DC metro area. The program is flexible and anyone who is interested can contact me and we will explore what will work best. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Barbara Blitzer, LCSW-C, MEd, is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and expert on mind-body techniques and their application to fertility. Formerly a faculty member at The Center for Mind Body Medicine in Washington, DC, she now works in private practice, with special focus on treating anxiety, depression, and infertility through talk therapy and mind/body approaches. She is available for individuals throughout the Washington, DC area in addition to offering services via telephone and SKYPE. She is a professional member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, Resolve, the National Association of Social Workers, and the Greater Washington Clinical Society. Her work has been cited in the Washington Post, Washington Woman, Conceive Online,INCIID.org (The International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination) and on several websites. If you would like to learn more about her private practice, or to learn about The Infertility Workbook coaching program, please visit www.barbarablitzer.com.

Lessons Learned: Swim Class

When Sydney was about to turn two, everyone we talked to about swim lessons said the experience with Austin's well-known “Swim Whisperer” was really tough to stomach, but that it was worth it. It was supposed to be worth it because, at the end of the 5-day class, Sydney would know how to swim and we wouldn’t need to worry about her drowning in a pool. Well, it was every bit of the nightmare people had warned me about.  And it was not worth it in our case.

The fist day, Sydney screamed for Mommy and cried and gulped down gallons of water and scrambled to get out of the pool 15 minutes later when the first lesson was over. Meanwhile, I had barely been able to breathe while trying to encourage her. She was almost comatose by the time she dragged herself out of the water and I just held her in my arms and whispered that I loved her and how proud I was of her effort.

The second day she was even more upset than the first, since she knew what to expect.  From the minute she woke up that morning, she started saying, “No pool Mommy.” And because I felt like it was still the right thing to do, I said she had to go, but not to worry about it – that it was much later in the day and that I’d be right there. I’d been planning for Chris to deal with this, since I’m pregnant and already emotional enough, but he was in London the week a spot opened up, so Grandma Kit and I got to bear the burden. She started crying more than an hour before her lesson, even though we did our absolute best to distract her. She screamed even louder getting into the pool, cried most of the time she was in the pool, and threw up pool water when she got out. 

Days three and four didn’t go much better. More crying and screaming. Not a whole lot more progress.

On day five, we got to join her in the pool – Daddy was finally back – and she seemed a little bit happier that she got to swim to us. But she still wasn’t really “getting it” in terms of kicking her legs. She would glide at a snail’s pace under the water and I’d will her to kick so she wouldn’t breathe in pool water and choke. But I did feel that if she fell into the pool, there was a good chance she wouldn’t panic and would be able to get herself to the side and climb out. The only positive out of the experience.

We were supposed to take her to the pool that weekend and practice what we learned, but while I was balling my eyes out Friday night getting the entire week’s tension out, I told Chris there was no way I was going to make her go under the water. If he wanted to, that was his choice.

Saturday morning when Chris mentioned going to the pool, Sydney started crying immediately. We told her she didn’t have to go to the pool if she didn’t want to, and then spent a long time trying to help her understand that going to the pool was different than swim lessons, and that the swim lessons were over. Late that afternoon, we went to the park down the street and when we peeked in on the kids swimming, Sydney decided she wanted to get in. She was so determined to swim that she started taking her clothes off! Chris ran home to get Sydney's swimsuit and we spent an hour playing in the pool with her. Phew – at least she wasn’t scared of the water or permanently traumatized. We’ve been going to the pool every weekend since, and sometimes she’ll say, “Sydney wants to go under,” while crying and she’ll even try it once and then remember what it’s like and not want to do it again.

In the end, maybe Sydney was just a little too young?  If I had it to do over again, I would try several other alternatives first.

A year later, we enrolled Sydney in swim classes at Emler’s Swim School.  We were careful to call it “swim class” instead of swim lessons after our previous swim disaster. This time around, we went slow and she enjoyed it. It took a LONG time for Sydney to get comfortable going under water. It seemed like she was never going to do it on her own. Every class, she'd tell the teacher, "I don't want to go under the water!" They were very patient with her. We didn't push. We found an instructor we loved and had her work with Sydney one-on-one. And then one day, out of the blue, Sydney decided she "wanted to go under water the whole class." And that's just what she did. 

Lessons Learned Recap: If you have a strong-willed, sensitive child like we do, it's probably not worth potentially scarring them for life to force them to swim under water before they are ready. Take it slow and patient and they'll take the plunge eventually!